I Can Hear a Bell Ring
by Alima8314
Summary: Edward said ‘yes’ once, but ‘yes’ once does not mean ‘yes’ forever... EdXRoy. Yaoi. Rape:not explicit! Journal style. Rated for theme and language. Oneshot. First Fic. Complete!
1. The Nightmare

**-I Can Hear a Bell Ring-****  
An FMA Two-Shot**

Disclaimer (applies to all chapters): I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, nor am I affiliated with the copyright owners of Fullmetal Alchemist. Fullmetal Alchemist's story and characters are copyrighted to Hiromu Arakawa and the various companies who produced the series.

**Synopsis:** _Edward told him 'yes' once, but 'yes' once does not mean 'yes' forever..._ Ed/Roy. Yaoi. Rape(not explicit!) Journal style. Strong sexual content. **Rated M/MA for theme and language.**

**Warning:** Rape(not explicit!). Shota. Male/Male sexual situations. If you don't like it, then don't read it. You have been warned. **Rated M/MA for theme and language.**

A/N: MAJOR OOC warning. MAJOR AU warning.  
I don't like this story, and I kept getting nauseous as I wrote it. (It practically wrote itself)  
I'm just glad they're fictional characters.  
I made Mustang meaner than he really is, and I think I made Edward a little more whiny and way more passive than he is. But this is an alternate universe story, so I guess some changes are to be expected, right?  
This story DOES NOT take place in neither the manga nor the anime. It just takes place.  
I was at work (I work at a call center) and I was bored waiting for calls, so I started writing. Before I knew it, eight hours had passed, and I had this. I don't think I'll write another fic this 'bad' again. I'm actually a _**HUGE**_ fan of the Ed/Roy pairing.  
**Please, R&R! Flames welcome. Just remember that I've already warned you. **

* * *

It's dark.  
A flicker.  
Is it Mom shining the lantern? Is it time to come home?  
No.  
A hallway. Another flicker?  
Candles?

I'm running through the hallway, looking for the exit. Twisting left and right, all I see are doors. These doors lead to memories that hurt.  
Voices cut through my mind like razors, repeating: _"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return... That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange..." _

Al loves kittens. There's a dead kitten on the floor. It has Mom's face. I start laughing. Teacher asks me why. _"Sometimes laughing is the only way I can open my mouth without screaming,"_ I respond.

Al is the most important thing in my life. He's standing in front of me, but no matter how fast I walk, he keeps getting farther away.  
'_Find that which is important and with both hands, grasp it tightly,'_ the wind whispers in my ear.  
How can I? I only have one hand!

"**No Way Out,"** the colonel's laughter follows me down the hallway.  
I run, going nowhere.  
The colonel catches up to me. He's holding a baby in his arms. It's Al!  
I clap my hands and transmute my auto-mail arm into a blade. Then I shove my arm through the colonel's chest over and over. "That's my brother, damn it! **Give him back!** You can't take him away! **He's my only brother!** He's the only family I have left! **HE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT TO LIVE FOR!**"

Al and I are on Yock Island. Teacher has just shown up. **"Take Us Home!"** We scream.  
And she does.

"_Do you have the courage to face the truth?_" a voice asks.  
I nod, tears streaming down my face, "_**Yes.**_"

_I've seen fire and I've seen rain._ A song floats through the air as I run.

Someone asks me if there is a god. _"I don't believe in God, but I do believe in death. I've never seen God, but I have seen plenty of death,"_ my answer echoes back to me.  
Al hugs me, _"It's okay to believe. I still do." _

In another room, I'm yelling at the colonel in his office: _**"So you're telling me you know everything I do, right? Great! I'm real glad we had this talk!"  
**_The look on his face says _'I can't hear you...' _

The scene changes and I see the colonel mocking one of his subordinates: _"A man should be able to manage both his career and his love life." _

The colonel takes me by the hand and leads to me to his room. _I didn't mean to do it, but there's no escaping it...  
_"_You keep coming back..."_ he kisses me.  
I'm crying. _"And whose fault do you think that is?"_ I see myself looking at the colonel with hopeful eyes. _"I love like a puppy,"_ I whisper.  
"_I __**love**__ dogs!"_ the colonel cries out, pulling me into an embrace.

Another room. I see Al's armor wearing a sign that reads: **I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, please keep me here. **

I'm standing in the center of the hallway, holding my head in my hands. _**"I never asked for this damn body!"**_ I scream, but it's not my voice coming from my mouth. It's Al's.

There's a window in the hallway. A window? I stop running long enough to look out. I see my mother's grave. Al and I are standing in front of it. _"Some people only have one another, but we've got us. We are one. We are each other's worlds. For longer than forever, we are a part of each other." _

To my left is another room. I hear a woman's voice asking why Al is allowed to accompany me into restricted areas, even though Al is not a State Alchemist.  
"_Sometimes they are __**'Ed.'**__"_ I hear the colonel speaking. _"Sometimes they are __**'Al.'**__ But they are always __**'Elric.'**__"_ I look in. It's the colonel talking to Lieutenant Hawkeye. _"You can't have one without the other. They're like a binary star system - two suns orbiting each other. They are the centers of each other's universes." _

In the last room, Teacher's sitting on a bed made with bloodstained sheets. I know this memory from my apprenticeship well. She is talking to Mr. Curtis: _"I know I will never replace her, and I never want to replace her, but I think of those boys as my sons. Someday, I hope they can come to think of me as a mom. Bringing those boys into my life must be God's way of forgiving my sin. Ask for naught but what you are willing to give." _

And all throughout my dream,  
_**I... Can... Hear... A... Bell... Ring... **_

**o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o **

**A/N (con't):** I'm not sure if they know about "binary star systems" in Amestris, but it was a good line, and I feel it is a great way to describe the Elric boys. My first FMA fic, so please be kind to me.


	2. The Nightmare Continues

April 14 - I had a nightmare last night. It's the same one I've been having since I said yes that first time. I was running down a dark hall and there were voices all around me, talking.  
I feel like I'm rotting. I rot a little more every time he touches me. I let him, because he leaves me with clues regarding what he's found out about the Philosopher's Stone. It's like alchemy. You can't get something for nothing.  
I think Al has noticed how broken I am becoming. He's probably also noticed how, when I go to sleep, I'm hoping I'll never wake up again. I never, never want to leave my baby brother behind, but I don't know how much more I can take.  
Fourteen is old enough to take care of yourself, right?  
_- Edward_

April 15 - Lately, I hear Brother cry at night. I think he's lying when he says they're just nightmares about Mom. He doesn't eat as much as used to, doesn't bathe or braid his hair anymore, and won't let me braid it for him, either, even though he's obsessed with being clean. I think this obsession stems from that month we spent on Yock Island.  
I hate this body! I can't comfort my beloved brother when he desperately seems to need it! I'm afraid he's going to break soon. I know something's wrong. I think the colonel has something to do with it, but Edward won't talk to me.

April 20 - He's wrong. He says he loves me, but he's lying! I don't want this anymore, but there's no one else I can turn to. He said he'll tell everyone the truth about me and Al if I resist. If you love someone, you don't blackmail them into your bed.  
I have bruises from today. I told Al, when he asked about them, that I got in a fight because someone called me short. I think he believed me, since I am really sensitive about my height. I don't want to tell him the truth. It would break his heart.  
Yesterday it was Colonel Mustang's office. Today it was a cramped stall of the men's bathroom on the second floor.  
Kissing my tears away and helping me clean up the blood doesn't mean you love me.  
Mustang, you're such a bastard. Why can't I hate you?  
_- Edward_

April 20 - Brother came home limping today. His face and neck were covered in bruises. I wish he would tell me the truth of what's going on. It's obvious I have my suspicions. Or is it? I want to shake him and yell "Brother, please! I love you and I would do anything for you. Please tell me who's hurting you so badly. Please, don't be so distant. Talk to me, together we can work this out. You have to know I'll never leave you, no matter how bad it gets. It's true that we have our disagreements, but we're brothers. It's what we do."

April 22 - Today it was the stall again. He says it's easier to clean up the mess from the tile than it is from carpet or leather. Why can't he understand how much it hurts?  
'Yes' once does not mean 'yes' forever.  
The first time, it wasn't so bad. Of course, to be honest, it hurt. But he warned me that it might. He was gentle then, careful. Considerate. Easing his way in. I kind of liked it, then.  
Now, he just rams me full force, clamping his hand over my mouth to keep my screams quiet.  
They say curiosity killed the cat. Well, now it's killing me.  
I'm so humiliated. I don't want to show my face in public anymore. I keep thinking that anyone who sees me would be able to tell how revolting I am.  
What would Teacher think of me if she ever knew? Would she throw me away because I'm dirty? Would she kill the colonel? How would Al handle the truth, if, and when, I ever decide to tell him?  
Every time I think about it, I realize that the pain the colonel causes me would be nothing compared to having my brother taken away from me. I don't want him to end up in a lab, where scientists will take him apart to try to learn his secrets.  
When I think about that, I know I have to endure, to keep him safe. I'll never let anyone have my brother.  
_- Edward_

April 23 - We were at his place today. Whenever we're at his apartment, it's not so bad... In fact, it's rather nice. Maybe he doesn't feel the need to rush at home, like he does in 'almost public' places. Like his office, or the bathroom. We started roughhousing, playing and just having fun, when we knocked over his table and I got the whole pot of tea he had made for us spilled on me. It was hot tea, too. He lent me some clean clothes when we were... done.  
The mess wasn't just tea.  
It was rather amazing. I never knew people could have sex with ALL their clothes on.  
Colonel Mustang is always teaching me new things.  
There was a time when I admired the man, but who wouldn't admire him? He _is_ an _extremely_ charismatic man. Now, I don't know. I was attracted to him back then, but it wasn't a romantic or physical attraction.  
That came later.  
I need to keep in mind that this is an arrangement. That's all that this is. A very sick arrangement.  
I let him screw me, he gives me information, and he leaves Al alone.  
I would die for Al. I think I already am.  
_- Edward_

April 23 _(later)_ - I just realized I've been signing my entries. Weird. I guess it's my way of reminding myself of who I am.  
_- Edward_

April 24 - Brother has been sitting and staring at me lately. There's a wild look in his eyes, like he's becoming less my brother and more an animal. I'm afraid for him, and... I'm almost afraid... of him...  
It's the worst feeling in the world.  
Because he hasn't been eating, I got Brother some food and tried to get him to eat, but he got mad and threw the tray at me.  
He came back in clothes that weren't his yesterday. He told me he got dirty and the colonel lent him a spare outfit to wear home. He didn't explain how he got dirty.  
Another lie? Brother, don't you trust me anymore?  
He does his own laundry now.  
Even when they're clean, I can tell that there are bloodstains on his boxers.  
What's happening to you?

April 25 - I think Al saw. No, I know he did. I didn't hide them fast enough. I had to throw my boxers away and buy several new pairs today.  
Colonel Mustang made me shower today. I thought maybe he wouldn't want to touch me anymore if I was filthy, but he took the shower with me and washed my back and helped wash my hair. Then he carefully combed it and braided it when we were done.  
Nothing happened, he just gave me a kiss on my forehead and sent me on my way.  
He was acting nice, like he did after the first time. Why can't he always be like this? It's got to be an act, so I don't trust it.  
_- Edward_

April 25 - Brother looked better today, cleaner. He said he finally felt like taking a shower and grabbed one at the dorm. He claimed his mind had been wandering and he didn't realize how gross he was becoming. He even smiled for the first time in weeks.  
Speaking of which, we've been in Central for a while now.  
Brother says it's because he needs to do some research at the library here, since it's so big. I think this might be true, but he won't let me join him. He's never done that before. It's too suspicious.  
I've been going to the library anyway, because I get bored while Brother's gone, and it's not like he told me I had to stay in our room. But when I go to the library, I never see him there. Then again, there are all the meetings with the colonel lately. Those are strange, too. Or maybe he's just in a different part of the library, and I'm being paranoid.

April 27 - Alchemy doesn't work against him. We were in the field behind the building his office is in, and I tried transmuting a wall between us. He just destroyed it with his own alchemy.  
I'm so glad Al can't smell the burnt smell on me.  
But it's a good thing Al wasn't there when I got back, so I took a quick shower.  
Where'd he go, anyway? I hope he didn't leave me because of the way I've been acting...  
What if... Oh no, what if he found out and left because he couldn't stand to look at me anymore? Don't leave me alone, Al! I need you. Maybe if I had been more honest with you...  
Oh, Al just walked in.  
_- Edward_

April 27 - Brother was writing in his research journal when I returned from the library. Maybe he found some new information about restoring our bodies. He wouldn't answer when I asked. I know he said the colonel had some ideas for his research. Perhaps he's making a list of things to investigate.  
He has been looking better lately. Perhaps whatever had him depressed is over... gone?  
I hope so. Even though he's lost a lot of weight lately, I like seeing my brother healthy and happy.

April 30 - Colonel Mustang picked me up at the library and took me to his apartment. He was gentle again, caressing me and petting me. Planting light kisses on my body, all the while telling me he loved me.  
Fool that I am, I shamelessly returned his affections with my own playful nips and kisses and told him I loved him back.  
That was the stupidest thing... well, second stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. But because of it, today was much easier for me to take.  
I really need to tell Al soon, but I'm afraid he'll hate me for selling out like I have. I'll never be clean again, no matter how much I scrub.  
Alphonse, please forgive me. He's my commanding officer and he's twice my age!  
Colonel, I think I hate you! Why do I react to you this way? Why does my body call out for yours, when it hurts so bad lately? I don't want the pain and I don't want to keep lying.  
But the really disturbing thing is...  
I don't...  
I don't think I was lying... when I said 'I love you' today.  
What's wrong with me?  
_- Edward_

May 1 - Brother's been crying again. His eyes were bloodshot when he got back today.  
Allergies, he said.  
A lie, I thought.  
He went straight to the shower after kicking off his boots. He's been showering every day lately, which I guess is better than when he wasn't bathing at all a couple weeks ago. But at this rate, as rustproof as it is, his automail arm and leg will rust.  
I wish he would talk to me. I want him to know I'm here for him.

May 3 - I was at the library today, doing the research I told Al I would be doing, when the colonel showed up. He told me to come with him. The library was pretty empty, but he still dragged me to a rarely used area.  
It was there that he picked me up, seating me on one arm, wrapping the other around my shoulders, and kissed me. In order to keep from falling, I grabbed the front of his shirt in a death grip. But he wouldn't let me fall, would he? Latching onto him probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, since the colonel then shoved his tongue into my mouth.  
After all the hell he's put me through this past month, I can't believe I was kissing the bastard back. Desperate. I let go of his shirt and ran my fingers through his hair. Wanting. Wrapping my legs around his waist. Pushing. I hate him! Rubbing. Why can't I stop? Grinding my crotch against his. Needing. He pinched me, hard, when an uncontrollable moan escaped my throat.  
I hate him so much. I wanted to bite the asshole's tongue off and watch him bleed to death. Instead, I let my own tongue wander around in his mouth for a moment.  
It may have been my guilty conscience, but right then, I could swear I heard Al's footsteps. Running away.  
The colonel told me to follow him to the bathroom. Not again. I was tempted to run away. Maybe that's what the imagined footsteps were telling me to do, but instead, I dumbly trudged my way toward the restroom. I think I was crying by the time I got there, because he gathered me in his arms, and told me I didn't need to be afraid. Then he locked the door and lightly kissed me all over my face and neck as he led me... Led me to...  
Throughout the ordeal, I was choking back sobs and screams.  
It's a good thing we were over a toilet, because after he cleaned himself off and left, I threw up until there was nothing left. And still I kept retching, dry heaves, tears running down my face from the pain. I think I passed out after that, because I woke up a while later, still curled around the toilet.  
Then I remembered what had happened.  
Again.  
Sometimes I wish I were Al, without a body that can feel pain.  
Or pleasure.  
I hate my traitorous body. I was crying once more as I stroked my sudden erection and I threw up again after I came.  
I really hate myself.  
_- Edward_

May 4 - It's morning. Brother didn't come back last night. I wonder if he knows I saw him kissing the colonel. Is that the reason he's been acting so weird lately?  
I had gone to the library yesterday to help him with his research, and because I miss his company. I was walking toward his table, and was just about to call out to him, when the colonel showed up beside him. Brother looked kind of scared at first, but he got up and followed the colonel anyway.  
I followed as quietly as I could, being a hollow suit of armor, and when I turned a corner, I saw them kissing, and I don't know how to describe it, but it looked like Brother was hugging him with his whole body...  
Why wouldn't he tell me about something like that? Is he afraid I'll turn on him because he's gay?  
I turned and ran away, crying inside since I don't have a physical body. He seemed to be enjoying the colonel's 'company.' I would have been happy for him with whatever choice he made. If only he hadn't kept his relationship with the colonel a secret.  
But if that's true, why did he seem to be so scared as he followed the colonel? I don't understand.  
When Brother finally gets back, maybe I should tell him about what I saw so he'll tell me what's going on.  
I wonder where he is.

May 4 - I can't go back home. I can't go back to Al. I can't go back to Teacher. I can't go back to the colonel. I can't go back. I can't go back. I can't go back. I can't go back. I can't go back.  
_- Edward_

May 5 - Brother didn't show up again today, but the colonel did. He said Edward hasn't reported in yet. Does this mean Brother is missing? Based on his demeanor, I don't think he saw me at the library the other say. But the colonel also had his back turned toward me. He left after asking me where Edward was. I told him I hadn't seen my brother since he left for the library two mornings ago.  
So, Edward's missing.  
What's happened to you, Brother?  
Oh no, what if Scar or the homunculi got him? I know he knows how to defend himself, so, I don't know what to do. Or did he and the colonel have a fight?  
Where are you?

May 5 - I snuck out of the library after it closed last night. I transmuted the bathroom door into a wall, so no one would find me in my shameful paradise. I was in that room for a day and a half.  
After I left, I almost went back to the hotel and Al, but as I got close, I got sick again and had to turn back.  
I'm sitting on a bench in a park right now. What am I going to do? I must look like such a mess, I haven't bathed in two days and I smell like sex and vomit.  
I wish I could run away from myself.  
Maybe I should go back. I have nowhere else to go, and Al has always welcomed me back with open arms. I hope he can forgive me for what I've done. Maybe then I can forgive myself. I think I will go back. Tomorrow.  
I really, really need a SHOWER.  
_- Edward_

May 6 - When I returned this morning, Al pounced on me as I opened the door, asking me where I had been. He said he was worried and that I scared him. I told Al I wanted to take a shower before I explained anything. I'm going to tell him the truth about everything.  
So now I'm sitting in the bathroom writing this down before attempting to make myself clean again. I know, though, that no matter how hard I try, it will never happen.  
_- Edward_

May 6 - Brother came back today! He looked like he was in really bad shape. As he walked through the door, I demanded to know what happened to make him not come home for two days. He said he would explain everything in a little bit and walked into the shower with all his clothes on.  
I heard him throw up when I told him the colonel was looking for him.  
Now I REALLY wonder what happened.  
Maybe I should call Teacher. She might know how to help Edward through whatever it is that's making him so sick.

May 6 _(later)_ - I wish Al had a face, so I could've gauged his reaction. I could feel the shock coming off him in waves. When I finished explaining, he just sat there, unmoving.  
He must hate me now. I don't blame him. It is a pretty disgusting thing that I've been doing.  
He's still sitting there as I write this.  
I think I'll go to bed soon, and let Al think about what I told him. I really hope he doesn't hate me.  
I think I really would die if he left me because of this.  
_- Edward_

May 6 _(later)_ - I can't believe what my brother just told me. I'm shocked. If it's true, then... the colonel... Why would the colonel do that after all he's done to help us on our quest?  
I want to take Edward and run far away from the colonel.  
We can go to Teacher's place. She's not afraid of the military, and I know she'll do anything to protect Edward.  
He went to bed a while ago, and I'm sitting here, trying to get over what he told me. I can hear him crying in his sleep even now. I think I understand what the nightmares he's been having are about now.  
I'm definitely calling Teacher in the morning.  
Brother, no matter what, I still love you.

May 7 - Al wasn't here when I woke up this morning. Does that mean he left me? What will I do if he has? How could he just go and leave me at the colonel's mercy? What am I going to do? Wait! What if the colonel came and got him, since I've been hiding from him these past few days?  
Oh no!  
Alphonse! Alphonse!  
That's it. I'm going to find him. And once I do, I'm never letting him out of my sight again.  
I'm **never** giving the colonel a chance to get him.  
_- Edward_

May 7 - Brother fell asleep last night holding my left hand in both of his. He was still asleep when I left to call Teacher this morning, so I had to slip my hand out of his grasp to leave. I didn't feel like making the call from the lobby since it's a relatively public place, and this is a private matter, so I left and went to the phone booth by the park.  
She was mad that I woke her up so early, but after I explained the situation to her, she said she would leave later this morning to come see us. She should be here in two days. I hope she doesn't kill anyone. I wouldn't want her to get arrested. That would be sad. I wonder if Mr. Curtis will come too?  
I don't think Brother will be very happy that I called Teacher, but I had to... He was awake when I returned, but I didn't tell him I called her. He would be furious. Teacher said to keep quiet about it at any rate.  
He had just opened the door and stepped out when I came up the stairs. When he saw me, he looked sad, relieved and angry. He told me to never leave the room again.  
Maybe he knows I called Teacher.  
Right now he's in the bathroom... I don't know what he's doing. He has the water running, but there are other noises, too...  
I think he might be crying or throwing up again.

May 7 _(later)_ - Al won't let me out of our room. He doesn't let me out of his sight for more than a minute. He had my food brought up to me. I know he's worried about me, but that doesn't mean he has the right to forbid me from leaving! We had a big argument after I finished crying in the bathroom. Our fight brought the concierge up to see what was the matter. This is how Al arranged the room service.  
I was hiding inside Al's armor when the colonel showed up today. Al told him I was still out. The colonel pushed him aside and forcefully entered the room to look for me. How dare he lay a hand on Al!  
It's a good thing Al doesn't have a face. I don't think the colonel knew he was being lied to. I had to shove my fist in my mouth to keep from calling out to him. I hate his guts, so why do I want him so bad?  
_- Edward_

May 7 _(later)_ - The colonel came again today, looking for Brother. Before opening the door when we heard the colonel's distinctive knock, I hid Edward in my armor.  
I told the colonel my brother still hadn't come back, but I don't think he believed me, because he shoved me to the side and searched the room. I realized my mistake then. He had seen Edward's breakfast dishes. I told him they were from three days ago, but I don't think he believed me about that, either. I need to be more careful about dishes in the future.  
Brother was behaving strangely while the colonel was here. I could tell he wanted to be found. After what he told me, I knew about his feelings for the colonel. His fear. His anger. His hate. His... love... but after everything that's happened, I'll never let that man touch my brother again.  
I hope Teacher comes soon. I don't think I'm strong enough to protect Brother on my own.  
He stayed inside for a while after the colonel left. He started shaking so bad, I thought _I_ was going to fall apart.

May 8 - Colonel... I love you.  
Colonel... I hate you. Drop dead!  
How can I... feel this way?  
Which is the worse sin? Attempting to resurrect my mother, or letting my commanding officer have his way with me on an almost daily basis?  
About an hour after the colonel left yesterday, my need to go to the bathroom was what caused me to finally crawl out of Al's armor. I had a mess to clean up anyway.  
I wonder... Does that mean I violated my brother?  
I'm still so disgusting.  
_- Edward_

May 9 - Teacher's here. I can hear her talking to Al. Why is Teacher here?  
Oh no...  
He didn't...  
_- Edward_

May 9 - Teacher and Mr. Curtis got here today. Brother locked himself in the bathroom with alchemy when he got up this morning, before they arrived.  
When Teacher got here, I told her Edward was in the bathroom. She told him he needed to come out so we could all talk. He yelled at her to go away. She didn't raise her voice, like I thought she would. Instead, she smiled that scary smile of her's and brought her hands together to transmute an opening to the bathroom. I could hear Brother whimper over the electric sound of the transmutation as she did it. Then she sat on the floor with Edward and let him cry, hugging him the whole time. He finally told her the same thing he told me, then begged her not to do anything to the colonel. Edward never begs. Mr. Curtis' expression got really scary when Teacher promised not to harm the colonel. I think Mr. Curtis will end up doing something, because now Teacher can't. I could almost feel sorry for the colonel.  
Almost.

May 9 _(later)_ - Damn it. He did. Alphonse told Teacher. When? Was it when he was gone that morning? How could he go behind my back like that?  
Teacher used alchemy to counteract mine to get into the bathroom where I was hiding. She didn't hit or yell at me. She sat on the floor with me, listening to what I had to say. When I started crying, she just sat there quietly, holding me while I cried. When I was done, she got a damp washcloth and gently washed my face.  
I made her promise not to do anything to the colonel. She was crying when she promised, and she hugged me again. We sat like that for about an hour before she left and started moving stuff around.  
What is she doing?  
She just told me I have to come out there and eat.  
Now.  
_- Edward_

May 9 _(later)_ - When Teacher came out of the bathroom this morning, Mr. Curtis got up and left our room. Where did he go? I hope he's not going to do anything. While he was gone, Teacher started packing Brother's things. She said I should get ready too.  
Ready for what?  
I don't have much of anything, anyway. Everything we own fits in Brother's suitcase.  
Mr. Curtis came back with train tickets for tomorrow and some food. Teacher made Edward come out of the bathroom and eat while she finished packing.  
It's funny. I don't know if he realizes it or not, but Brother is actually drinking milk. Of course, he would always drink the milk Teacher set in front of him. We were both too afraid of her during out apprenticeship for him not to. Oh, he's grimacing now. I think he just figured it out.  
He's still such a kid sometimes, even though he's fifteen.  
I gave Teacher and Mr. Curtis my bed, since I don't sleep anyway.  
I stayed up and kept watch.  
She said we're leaving in the morning.

May 10 - The colonel was there when we were leaving. He looked mad when he saw the suitcase and Teacher. I squeezed her right hand with my left when he turned those smoky eyes toward me. I would have gone over to him if Teacher hadn't squeezed back. I really am a dog, and he has me trained to go to him when ever he calls. He was snarling as he followed us down the hall, saying he would expose us.  
Teacher turned around and glared at him. She said he didn't dare because he would also get in trouble for knowing the truth about what Al and I had done and recruiting me anyway. She also hinted that because there are laws against child molestation, he could be court martialed if his superiors ever found out he was raping one of his subordinates. Who, if you ignored the fact that he was a State Alchemist, and therefore had the rank of major in his own right, happened to be a minor. I think she forgot that I'm technically an adult because I am in the military, but I get the point she was trying to make. Then Mr. Curtis stepped in and reminded her about the promise she made me. He would take care of it and catch up with us later.  
I think I should have made Mr. Curtis promise too. Too late now.  
Oh yeah, we're on the train to Dublith now. Teacher bought me a new journal because she took away my old one as evidence. She said she'll let me copy my alchemy notes from it. She also said she'll be watching as I then destroy those notes, to be sure I don't 'accidentally erase' any evidence.  
Apparently I left my book open, and when she got to our hotel room, she read what I had written. Why didn't I think to encode it as I wrote it? I know why. I think that, even though I was ashamed of my behavior, deep down, I wanted someone to find out and help me.  
Al said I've been acting like an animal lately. Maybe he's right. I'll have to do something to make it up to him.  
Teacher says she wants to read my new journal when I'm done with my entry. She has **that** look on her face, so I guess I better let her see it.  
Al told me he's been keeping a journal too. I want to read it. I think Teacher's already read it. Maybe if I ask, they'll let me read Al's.  
_- Edward_

May 11 - We're still on our way to Teacher's house. She asked to read the notes I've been keeping when we get to Dublith. I told her she could. She took away Brother's old book and bought him a new one because I guess she realized writing things out was helping him. I got a new one too, but I'm going to use it when I've finished with this one.  
He knows she read his old one, and I don't think he's very happy about that. She said she wants to read his new journal too. He's been writing for a while, but every so often, he'll look out the window and scowl.  
Yesterday, the colonel tried to stop us from leaving, but Teacher threatened him and... well, I don't know what Mr. Curtis did, and I don't think I want to know. When Mr. Curtis caught up with us at the train station in time to catch the train, he had bloody knuckles. Brother's eyes were scary while the colonel was there. He looked frightened, but he also looked like he wanted to go with the colonel. I'm glad he didn't.  
I just looked up. Edward is sleeping and Teacher is reading his journal. She said she wants to adopt us when we get to Dublith. I told her she didn't have to do that. But she said it's something she wants to do, not something she feels she needs to do. Who said anything about that?  
I don't think Brother wants to be adopted. He doesn't like having attachments to people because he doesn't want anyone he's close to getting hurt. He's actually a very caring person, even though he tries to hide it from the world.  
She said we don't have to change our name, since she knows it's the only thing we have left that was our mother's.  
I wonder how Brother will react when she asks him.

May 11 - The thought of being on a train for two days is really hard to cope with, especially when you're traveling with your Teacher and her husband. When it's just Al and me, and sometimes Winry, it's not so bad. But Al, Teacher and Mr. Curtis all watch me like hawks. Mr. Curtis even escorts me to the bathroom. It's not like I'm dumb enough to jump off a moving train just to be with Colonel Mustang again.  
I can't stop wondering how he's doing though. I also wonder what Mr. Curtis did to him. I really should stop thinking about him. He's an asshole and he's not worth it.  
Teacher says she thinks I might be confused, and if I really think about, I'll realize I didn't really love him. She said I was probably too afraid he would follow through with his threats to be able to tell the difference, which is a form of emotional abuse. She said it's okay if I'm gay, that's there nothing wrong with that, because it's part of who I am and she'll love me anyway.  
Love me anyway? What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
Anyway, I don't think I'll be entering a relationship any time soon. I want to heal first, both emotionally and physically.  
I reread my old journal entries, and it brought to mind something I read a long time ago. There was this guy who trained his dog to drool whenever he rang a bell.  
I feel like the colonel is that guy and that I'm the dog. Except I don't drool at the sound of a bell, I cream myself when he snaps his fingers. How disgusting.  
We're almost to Dublith. I'm getting tired again, so I'll go to sleep and let Teacher read this.  
Good night Teacher.  
_- Edward_

May 12 - Teacher cried a little when she read Brother's latest entry last night. I wonder what he wrote. She told me Edward's a brat, but she was smiling when she said it. She also said our room at her house is ready for us.  
I think Brother's going to be okay. I mean, he's sprung back from far worse before. Like when he sacrificed the lower half of his left leg in our failed attempt to resurrect out mother and then giving up his right arm to bind my soul to this armor.  
Ours is the next stop. Edward's awake. He's kind of grumpy from being woke up, but Teacher told him to shut up. He's always grumpy in the morning. I have to stop writing now so we can get off.

May 12 - We're here. We finished having a 'family' meeting about twenty minutes ago. Al and I also swapped journals. I just got this journal back from Teacher, so now I'm writing in it. I didn't know I hurt Al that badly. And I didn't know... that he saw... that... "Enjoying the colonel's 'company'" indeed. He saw me at my lowest.  
But, that means I really did hear his footsteps that day.  
Teacher said she wants to adopt us. I don't know. I don't want to be a burden for her.  
She says we can keep our mother's name, and that she doesn't expects us to call her 'mom.'  
She said that by adopting us, she'll be better able to protect me from the military.  
I can't accept her offer. What will I do about Al? I promised him I would get his body back, one way or another. What if the military is the only way to achieve that?  
I've never broken a promise to him yet.  
_- Edward_

May 13 - I just finished reading Brother's journal. I wish I had a body that could cry. Now I understand exactly how far Brother will go to protect me. I went to our room and told Edward I loved him. He just smiled sadly and started writing.

May 13 - Al just poked his head in and told me he loved me. I love you, too, Al. I know I haven't been the best brother to you lately, I swear I'll make it up to you somehow.  
So far, nobody from the military has shown up. That's a good thing. Maybe they don't know where to find me. I never told the colonel about Dublith.  
_- Edward_

May 13 _(later)_ - Teacher said we could live here with her and Mr. Curtis. She also talked to us seriously again about adopting us. She won't let it drop, so I guess she really has her heart set on it. Brother declined, like I thought he would.  
As for me, I know Teacher loves us, so I'll accept the home and I'll accept the family, but I had to decline her offer as well. I can't leave Brother behind like that.  
Still, it's good to be home.

May 16 - Even after she expelled us, Teacher still accepted us as we are, with arms wide open. She gets mad at us sometimes when we do stupid things, but that's just proof that she loves us.  
It's good to be home.  
_- Edward_


End file.
